


the bird with the rhinestone plumage

by babelincoln



Series: broken recccord [1]
Category: TREASURE (Korea Band), iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Blow Jobs, Crack Treated Seriously, M/M, complicated feelings, this is the biggest crack ship imaginable but I swear I ended up writing it so earnestly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:47:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22222045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babelincoln/pseuds/babelincoln
Summary: of all the ways tonight could end, all the possible outcomes hyunsuk had fretted over, he never would have imagined himself to be on his knees between jiwon’s legs, wiping his lips with the back of his hand as jiwon pulls his sweatpants back up and smiles sheepishly.“work on the song some more tomorrow?” he offers. hyunsuk is not going to say no.
Relationships: Choi Hyunsuk/Kim Jiwon | Bobby
Series: broken recccord [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2007889
Comments: 12
Kudos: 56





	the bird with the rhinestone plumage

**Author's Note:**

> warning: it's purposefully left vague, but this story is largely rooted in the fallout of hanbin's departure. i imagine a lot of ikon fans are using fan content as an escape, and so i just want to make sure nobody is taken off guard and upset by the references to hanbin.
> 
> lighter notes: this story takes place between 26-29 september 2019. i started writing it thinking i had plenty of time to get it finished and post it on the day it begins, it's now three months late and about 7k longer than it was supposed to be, go figure. but please understand that it's set a couple months ago and so there's some things in the story that are now no longer accurate - for example, hayi is still under yg, the group is still referred to as treasure13, and most importantly, hyunsuk and haruto still share a room.
> 
> while none of the scandals are outright mentioned, this story is not particularly optimistic about the future of yg.

an invite to a senior’s birthday party is something that, once, hyunsuk would have killed for. right now, he’s sitting at the edge of a party in a rented out nightclub, surrounded by around forty of the faces he’d spent the past three years coveting. all he ever wanted was to be one among the pantheon of yg entertainment; a dream which had never been closer- but one that had also never been so in danger of becoming impossible. the atmosphere around the company for the past few months had been tense, to say the least. jinwoo’s birthday party was the first time he’d even seen some of his sunbaenims around recently- hyunsuk wasn’t going to be the one to admit that the concept of a yg “family” was becoming more and more of a thing of the past with each passing day, but he would say that as of late, it seemed like everyone was waiting, breath bated, for either a miracle or an epitaph. 

treasure and magnum had all been invited, which came as a shock to hyunsuk. in fact, he’d debated even showing his face, worried that things would be awkward- but the perks of a thirteen member collective-supergroup-subunit-whatever was that he was very rarely the odd one out. there was always a friend around to talk to, and so these sort of social situations were a lot less scary than they would have been back when he was just on his own. he had been using haruto as a crutch all night, clinging to the side of his roommate for dear life; and haruto seemed to have a similar survival plan, because he made no effort to mingle outside of their group either. within the context of treasure 13, hyunsuk was probably one of the most outgoing and certainly among the most energetic, but his groupmates weren’t strangers and they certainly weren’t strangers hyunsuk had grown up admiring. this was different. he was centre of the lion’s den with no armour but a button up and some desperately googled conversation starters.

the birthday boy himself had buzzed around his party excitedly all night, mingling with as many of his guests as he could manage at a time, his words slowly becoming more and more slurred as the night progressed. his fellow winner members had satellited his side for quite a while, but eventually, minho broke off to hang around with some of the producers, and seunghoon and seungyoon made their own fun on the dance floor. hayi, somi, suhyun and a revolving amount of blackpink members had occupied a booth of their own, drinking and laughing and taking pictures and looking very pretty and far too intimidating for hyunsuk to even consider approaching. hyunsuk hadn’t expected any of the older generation to come around, but seunghyun, the only bigbang member to have completed his military service, had been keeping the company of an awkward looking sandara all night- sandara has the superpower to befriend just about anybody, but hyunsuk gets the impression from observing them that she had dragged him along to not feel so out of place. sandara was jinwoo’s friend, seunghyun was sandara’s friend, and so it’s easy to piece that puzzle together. they did not particularly look like they wanted to be approached, nonetheless by someone so many generations below- and given everything going on, hyunsuk would have absolutely no idea how to talk to either of them. 

“i’m gonna get a drink.” hyunsuk leans in to shout in haruto’s ear. “want another coke?”

haruto makes an unhappy face even as he nods. hyunsuk had had enough alcohol tonight to make his head feel a little fuzzy already, but he imagines that the awkwardness of the party must be sevenfold to a sober mind- haruto was very much underage, though, and the rules were harshly strict. everyone was invited, but anybody under the age of nineteen caught doing anything they shouldn’t be would be out on their ass in a second. 

hyunsuk stands and navigates the tangle of twelve other boys crammed into the booth with him, skimming the rim of the dancefloor. he can’t think of anything he wants less than to become tangled up in that sweaty mess. he reaches the bar on the other side of the club and checks his phone as he waits for a bartender to come and take his order. 

he’s smiling absent-mindedly at day old messages from the treasure group chat when a loud voice next to him startles him, and flinching, he looks up to see a visibly intoxicated kim jiwon staring down a member of the bar staff in some kind of drunkenly unsteady mexican standoff. 

ikon had been the group that hyunsuk had imagined to be handiest at a party. they always seemed so playful and energetic and generally just fun, but today the group had carried a collective somber mood. they’d seemingly spent the night babysitting jiwon, who’d arrived to the party far too drunk from the get go. hyunsuk had seen jinwoo eyeing them with a worried expression earlier in the night, and minho had been sent over to issue what appeared to be a warning. it hadn’t gone down well, and after jiwon had pushed minho and jinwoo threw himself between them, yunhyeong dragged jiwon up to a private room, from which he hadn’t surfaced for the rest of the night. 

“i’m giving you my fucking money, so get me what i asked for.” jiwon barks at the tired looking woman working the bar, who must be far too used to this job to seem so unfazed by a man yelling at her. 

“the host asked us not to serve you anymore.” says the barmaid, and jiwon pushes himself away from the bar with a snarl. the dancefloor seems to part for him like a neon red sea, as he makes a direct beeline to the centre of the floor, where jinwoo is dancing almost provocatively on jinhwan. hyunsuk is too far away from the commotion to hear what anyone is saying, but he can tell that voices are raised, and jiwon is standing with his face centimetres away from jinwoo’s before minho pushes in between them. hyunsuk can barely register what’s going on before jiwon punches minho across the jaw, hard enough to send minho falling onto his side. hyunsuk is in shock, unable to tear his eyes away from the scene as the bouncers apprehend jiwon in a second, grabbing him by his arms and physically dragging him from the club, minho sitting indignantly on the floor and swatting away a crying, fussing jinwoo. 

he feels a sharp nail prod his shoulder, and he turns around with a start to see the barmaid staring at him, looking as if she’s waiting for him to say something.

“huh?” he asks dumbly, and she rolls her eyes.

“what can i get you?”

hyunsuk orders a vodka lemonade and haruto’s coke, and thinks to himself that he best make this their last drink before heading off. he announces as such to the group as he arrives at their booth, making up an excuse about early morning dance practices- and though he expects the boys to complain, nobody does. everyone seems to be just about as eager to leave as he is. 

the managers hadn’t been thrilled by the idea of the thirteen of them attending a party, especially not a winner member’s birthday party, what with so much going on in the older generations of the company. they all knew that they’d get in trouble for walking home, but agreed they needed the fresh air- and nobody really wanted to deal with the weird attitude their staff had adopted over the past few months.

hyunsuk trails behind the group as they walk. the boys laugh and chatter and gossip, three things that hyunsuk was usually leading them in. but recently he guesses his mood had been shot. he’d been feeling pretty down ever since a trip to the training centre the other day, where he had been running errands and had peeked through the glass of a door to see seojin holding a crying jetaime in her arms. there was a thousand and three reasons jetaime could have been crying. god knows that hyunsuk had spent most of his time as a trainee on an intense emotional rollercoaster, but something about it had just disturbed him. it felt like everywhere he looked, he was met with someone in depression, or anxiety, or rage. things had always been odd at yg, there was always that weird little feeling of something being off. but now, it’s like a horrible ghost town, and everyone is just hanging around waiting for it to finally die. 

they’re only around five minutes away from the club when everybody stops, and hyunsuk looks up in confusion to see his members all staring across the road. hyunsuk follows their line of sight, and is quick to catch on- a very drunken jiwon is splayed out on his back on the bench of a bus stop, murmuring to himself incoherently. a visceral shot of panic runs through hyunsuk as he thinks of the potential for scandal were a photographer to be in the right place right now- ever since jennie had made headlines at new year, they’d all been warned to keep in mind the probability that dispatch may be trailing them. hyunsuk doesn’t have any personal stake in the reputation of ikon; quite the opposite, actually- any day now the final nail in the coffin could be hammered in, and with yg a boy group down, treasure may finally get to debut. it’s a horrifically selfish thought that makes him feel guilty as soon as he thinks it, so maybe that’s why he tells his protesting members to go on ahead, swearing that he’ll meet them back at home soon. they take a minute or so of convincing, but soon enough they’re on their way without him, and hyunsuk is crossing the road to an angry, wasted jiwon who may very well lash out at him.

“hey.” he says with his hands in his pockets, trying his best not to sound too intimidated. jiwon turns to look at him blankly, but does nothing to respond, just stares him down. hyunsuk swallows hard, before pressing on. “you can’t lay around in the street, sunbaenim.” 

“don’t care anymore.” jiwon says, turning his head back to look at the murky overhead shelter. hyunsuk gnaws on the inside of his cheek, regretting his decision to play good samaritan. but he’s in it now, and far be it from him to turn his back on someone.

“don’t do this to your members, please.” hyunsuk says, and the words cause jiwon to jolt upwards as if he’s been electrocuted. he scrambles to his feet, getting up in hyunsuk’s space, staring down at him with a snarl.

“you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about,  _ kid _ .” jiwon says, and hyunsuk shrugs his shoulders. he could chew on the fear he’s harbouring inside him right now, but he won’t show it, not to someone who’s trying to patronise and intimidate him. hyunsuk may be young, may be a nobody compared to kim ‘bobby’ jiwon, but he’s not weak. (you  _ can’t _ be weak and win something like treasurebox.)

“you need to sober up.” hyunsuk says, stepping backwards and resisting his initial urge to push jiwon away. it doesn’t take a genius to figure out how that would end. “come get coffee with me?”

jiwon stares at him, blinking fast, as if he’s trying to force his brain to process hyunsuk’s request. “fu-” he begins to decline, but hyunsuk talks over him.

“i’ll pay.”

he doesn’t expect it to work, yet twenty minutes later he’s warm in the comfort of his favourite little coffee shop, carrying two mugs of coffee back to the booth in the corner where jiwon rests with his arms folded on the table, head tucked down atop them. hyunsuk had given his patronage to this place often- it wasn’t far from the training center, and so he’d often come here to escape all the familiar faces in the cafeteria, or the weird post-apocalyptic separation of boys and girls, stuck on opposite ends of the room, forbidden from interaction. it was naive in the sense that banning fraternisation just made it all the more appealing, but even more naive in that separating boys and girls had cut down hyunsuk’s pool of potential affairs down by exactly zero. not that any of the male trainees had ever shown any romantic interest in him, nor him them, but the oversight had still made him feel smug, as if by being gay he was exhibiting some sort of anarchist duplicity against the rules. 

he sits down at the booth and slides the mug to jiwon opposite him, praying to god that he hadn’t fallen asleep whilst hyunsuk was ordering their drinks. fortunately, jiwon looks up with an expressionless frown, sitting up straight and warming his hands on the mug, the coffee still too hot to drink. in the fluorescent light of the coffee shop, hyunsuk can see that jiwon looks to be in a pretty bad way. there are sallow bags under his sharp eyes, stubble dusting his chin and his hair looks knotted and a few days off it’s last wash. hyunsuk might expect to see one of his sunbaenims looking so bedraggled in a studio setting- many of them were known to stay holed up working on projects for days on end, sleeping on the studio couch. but attending parties was a whole other story. some of them may look stylishly grungy as some kind of fashion statement, absolutely, but jiwon looks dug up from the tomb and reanimated. things hadn’t been going great and ikon had been touring. it’s certainly understandable, and yet no less unnerving. 

“thanks.” jiwon mutters as he takes a sip, and hyunsuk mirrors him, savouring the bitter taste of the coffee alongside the warmth it spreads across his chest- and then briefly, he wonders if he had been waiting for jiwon to take the first mouthful before he touched his own drink.

“no problem.” hyunsuk says, and everything feels a little bit awkward again. they descend into silence, and hyunsuk is halfway through wracking his brain in hopes of remembering one of those googled conversation starters from earlier when, unexpectedly, jiwon breaks it for him. 

“treasure, right?” he asks gruffly, a sip of his coffee punctuating his question. 

“right.” hyunsuk says, nodding his head. he takes a drink of his own, once more mirroring jiwon’s actions- something he notices with a frown. he wraps his cold fingers around the centre of his mug, chasing any kind of warmth. “i’m the leader.”

he says it with a certain amount of pride, and for a second he’s confused as jiwon gives him a complicated sort of look, and then his blood runs cold as it hits him- kind of a  _ sensitive fucking topic. _ jiwon clears his throat, very obviously trying not to let his discomfort show, and hyunsuk thinks it would make things a whole lot worse if he were to apologise so instead he just kicks himself, combing his brain for anything else to say. thankfully, jiwon, even in his drunken state, maintains a little more grace than him, and pulls them out of the silence once more.

“you’re a rapper?” jiwon asks. hyunsuk doesn’t bother asking if jiwon has watched the show. it’s a pretty lucky guess- leaders at yg tended to be rappers, with the exception of seungyoon, of course, but even in the case of winner, the role had originally belonged to minho. he’s not going to delude himself that any of his seniors had paid any attention to treasurebox without a paycheck sent their way, and even then, he’d doubt they’d bother to learn their names. one day, they will, but not before they’ve even debuted. and not before they know for sure if there’s any point in getting attached. hyunsuk can’t fault them for that, when they’ve already lost so many friends.

“sure am.” he says, knowing that he sounds proud again but this time it’s without a trace of guilt. he was a rapper and a damn good one, and the sooner jiwon is made aware of that the better. “i featured on-” he catches himself once more, because it’s another shovelful of gravel from the grave he’d began to dig for himself. there must be fear showing in his eyes, because for the first time all night, jiwon smiles.

“hayi’s album. i know.” he laughs, shaking his head. “you and him. i was on the last one. minho hyung too. jennie was on the one before that. we’ve pretty much all done a verse or two for hayi, kid. it’s sorta like a right of passage. you don’t have to be so careful. you’re not going to hurt my feelings.”

“they’re too busy drowning, right?” hyunsuk asks with a quirk of his eyebrow. it’s kind of witty and it catches even himself off guard, but something about jiwon’s posture shifts in a positive way, and he smirks with a little tip of his head, leaning back in his seat.

“why don’t you come to the studio tomorrow?” jiwon offers. hyunsuk blinks.

“really?”

“yeah.” jiwon says with a smile, shrugging. “you’re a rapper, i’m a rapper, let’s do something. might never get released, but there’s no harm in messing around, right?” 

hyunsuk is kind of stunned, but then he realises that, indeed, this is exactly why he’s here- to make music. sure, they may never get to put the music out, but the chance to learn from jiwon is an incredibly thing- jiwon is one of few idols to actually be respected as a rapper, after all, and he didn’t win show me the money for nothing. he may as well use this horrible, stressful, twilight period to hone his craft. at the very least, it beats sitting in his bedroom watching haruto text his friends. 

“sure.” he says with a smile. “i’d love that.” 

he’s home an hour later, and his members had been about fifteen seconds away from calling the police, but hyunsuk tells them that jiwon was a lot more pleasant than he thought he’d be. he guesses he’s just going through a lot. hyunsuk actually finds himself showering off the stress of the night and going to bed excited for the prospect of tomorrow. who knew what working with jiwon could lead to? 

come twelve in the afternoon the following day, hyunsuk stands lonely in a corridor of yg entertainment hq that until now has been strictly off limits for him, or any of the pre-debut-slash-trainee artists. up until recently, everything, including his verse for hayi’s song, had been recorded in the training centre studios. this area was holy ground. hyunsuk stares at the doorway leading to the rows of recording studios and imagines five boys recording a song that would define this entire company. he imagines four girls coming together from four completely different worlds to lay down a demo; only for it to turn out so good that their pre-planned career plans are uprooted to keep them singing together. twelve sullen winners of two separate shows, bonded together forever by blood, dreams and trauma, and yet destined to compete for the rest of their careers by design of the company. four young girls who’d lost five members along the way, handed a track written for somebody else and told to abandon all guilt, that’s just how the industry works.

hyunsuk thinks he can be forgiven for hesitating. maybe this didn’t entirely come hand in hand with the glamour and glory he had imagined. maybe each stepping stone on the path to his dreams had been the severed head of someone who wanted this just as much. it had been a long, hard journey to get here, but in some capacity, here he was. he has to dig deep to find the courage to push open the door, enter the promised land.

his hand lays flat against the cool steel, like the hands of so many others who he’s spent his life admiring, and it almost feels as if he’s being anointed and he’s about to step up and kiss the pharaoh. and then he pushes, with far more purpose than necessary, his chest puffed with pride and his stomach bubbling with excitement, he pushes. 

it doesn’t budge.

he feels the blush creeping up to his face as he realises that, of course, the door is locked. he scratches the back of his neck in embarrassment of his own melodrama. he hadn’t even gotten jiwon’s phone number last night- something he kicks himself over. he scrolls through the contacts in his phone for anybody who may be able to help him get in contact with jiwon, but to no avail- other than his fellow members, family, and friends from back home, all that was left were managers and staff, none of whom could legally give him the number of another idol. and so, he thinks, deflated, the only other option is to hang around and wait in hopes that someone else would arrive and possess the kindness to let him follow them in. 

as he waits, the anxiety sets in pretty quickly. jiwon was drunk last night- what if he had forgotten he’d even invited hyunsuk to record, and wouldn’t actually want to collaborate with him were he of a sober mind? what if he’d been so hungover that he hadn’t even turned up to work today, and hyunsuk got in trouble for loitering around the yg building with no purpose? what if he freezes up in general, unable to write or perform well, and jiwon is disappointed and sends him away? he takes a deep breath as his back sets against the wall, reciting to himself the mantra that had gotten him this far- one problem at a time. none of those anxieties matter until he gets through the door. so focus on the door. resting the back of his head against the wall, he waits, and waits, until fifteen minutes pass and the hallways are still empty. he’s contemplating between giving up completely and kicking the door down when he notices, very faintly, two female voices from behind the large window he’s stood beside. he’s a fair few levels off the ground at this point, but he knows the building has multiple little balconies on each story, generally housing garbage containers, and he guesses he’s standing by one of those. from the window, he can’t see anybody, but he can see puffs of familiar looking smoke that fill in the blanks of why somebody would be out on a balcony surrounded by trash in the colder end of seoul’s september. 

he finds the doorway further down the corridor, and outside on the balcony he makes the unexpected discovery of hayi, cross legged on the balcony floor with her back against the railing, and rosé perched on the edge of an empty garbage container. she startles at his entrance, tossing her cigarette from the balcony in a swift movement hyunsuk gives the grace of pretending not to see, while hayi makes no effort to hide, offering him a gentle smile on the edge of a draw, smokily greeting him on the exhale.

“hey, hyunsuk.” she says, and he bows back to the pair of them, feeling embarrassment creep up onto his cheeks. he had expected to stumble across a couple of staff members on their lunch break, certainly not two female idols breaking a pretty serious rule. he feels like he’s done something wrong by interrupting him, as if he’s somehow intruder upon this space, available to anyone who works here and not at all hidden from view, and he finds himself apologising despite a more rational knowledge that he has no reason to.

“sorry to disturb you.” he says, keeping his eyes cast downwards, avoiding looking up as if he were in the presence of princesses. rosé is quick to shake her head, a comforting smile on her face. 

“don’t be silly.” she says, waving her hand. he finally looks up at her and she presses her smile, hayi shrugging her shoulders. “we weren’t busy. you okay?” 

he can’t help but feel shy in front of two women he admires so much. he wrings his hands, worrying his bottom lip, and with a bashful smile, he gestures to the hallway behind them. “uh, i’m supposed to be meeting jiwon sunbaenim in the recording studio, but i don’t have his phone number and the door is locked.” 

“oh!” rosé says with a cheerful smile, hopping to her feet. “i can let you in. hayi eonni and i have just come from the studios.” 

hyunsuk bows in gratitude as she leads him back inside the building. as they walk down the corridor, he tries his best to shake the starstruck feeling that’s washing over him. he had seen rosé before, but only at schedules and of course at last night’s party, and neither of those scenarios felt quite so ordinary. he had pictured his first true interaction with blackpink to feel more monumental, perhaps even congratulatory after he had made his debut. he’s not altogether sure how he feels. robbed? and, yet, relieved at the same time. rosé was to be his peer one day, and so maybe it’s fitting that she stands before him in a hoodie and leggings, hair tied back and face bare. maybe this is better. 

“they’ll probably give you guys keycards soon.” she says with a gentle sort of smile, fishing her own out of her hoodie pocket and displaying it to him between two fingers. “keep a hold of it when they do, though. they’re not too keen on giving replacements.” 

“they’re not?” hyunsuk asks.

“the studio doors lock and the recording booths are soundproofed.” rosé shrugs, as if that answers all the questions in the world. “i guess it depends. i heard that jiyong oppa has had, like, ten replacement cards over the year, and that sandara eonni has been borrowing other people’s cards for years now. it depends, y’know. the same way everything here seems to depend.” 

she says it cheerfully, for what could have been such a bitter statement. hyunsuk knows very well what she means. yg entertainment plays favourites, through no fault of the chosen ones themselves. there is a type of person who does very well in this environment, and those who never seem to stop struggling uphill. it’s shown in subtle ways, tiny little advantages granted to some and not others. one is always sort of made aware of where they stand in the ranks.

rosé swipes her card, and a soft click in the door signals its unlocking. she smiles softly at hyunsuk as she opens the door and holds it for him. “have fun.” she says. “tell jiwon oppa i’m glad he’s back at work.” 

she leaves him with that, rushing back down the hallway as soon as they bow their farewell, back out onto the balcony. hyunsuk sighs as he stands, hand propping the door open. he looks down the once-forbidden corridor, studio doors lining each side of the long stretch. obstacle one has been overcome, but the matter of actually meeting jiwon in a sober setting and working with him still feels anxiously heavy in his chest. it takes him a few seconds to will his legs to move, stepping into the corridor and letting go of the door. it swings shut and a click indicates that it has locked itself once more. no going back now, hyunsuk thinks, admittedly melodramatically. he looks through glass doors into each studio he passes, and soon enough he spots the broad shouldered back of kim jiwon hunched over a soundboard, headphones around his neck. hyunsuk can feel himself freezing up, tempted to call it quits and bolt, but he doesn’t. he raps his knuckles against the door and holds his breath. 

jiwon turns around, and his face splits into a wide grin as he sees hyunsuk through the door. he makes a gesture, a ‘come in,’ and as hyunsuk enters the studio, jiwon stands.

“hey!” he says. he’s cheerful, his hair washed and his face cleanly shaved, and he looks a million times better than he did the previous night. despite being dressed in a baggy hoodie and a pair of worn looking sweatpants, jiwon very casually looks really fucking good, and it’s a realisation that hyunsuk, who was feeling a little hungover and knew he was sporting travel-sized bags under his tired eyes, can’t help but feel a little insecure upon. hyunsuk has always known jiwon to be handsome. but the neckline jiwon’s of hoodie drapes a little too far past his collar bone, making it very clear that there was no t-shirt underneath, and hyunsuk is picturing jiwon shirtless before he can even register what’s happening. it’s frightening, because hyunsuk had always known jiwon to be handsome, but now he finds him  _ attractive _ , and jiwon is standing right in front of him in wait of a response. hyunsuk can feel blotches of red slap themselves onto his cheeks, and a familiar feeling of panic settles deep in his stomach; he’s going to look stupid now, he’s going to humiliate himself, he hates himself, et cetera. 

“hi.” hyunsuk says, and he prays silently that his clearly flustered demeanor is written off as nerves, because if jiwon realises what hyunsuk is thinking, there’s no way he’d want to work with him. and, frankly, hyunsuk is a little ashamed of himself. he may be twenty years old with a laughable lack of experience, but he didn’t think he was desperate, and he certainly thought his bar was set a little higher than to become enamoured with someone because they’d finally washed their hair. 

if jiwon does notice, he doesn’t mention it. “sorry about last night.” he says, instead, scratching the back of his head. “i’m not usually  _ that  _ messy. guess i was drunk for the wrong reasons.” 

hyunsuk shuffles a little, still hovering awardly, not sure where he’s supposed to sit or what he’s supposed to do. he says; “it’s okay,” because it’s really jinwoo that jiwon should be apologising to, or minho for that matter. but he’s here to impress jiwon, not lecture him, and so it doesn’t seem to be in his best interest to talk about the previous night any more than he absolutely had to. “it happens to all of us.”

jiwon gives him a grateful smile, before sitting back down at the soundboard, thrusting his thumb in the direction of the couch. “take a seat.” he says. “let me show you what i’ve been working on.” 

jiwon plays hyunsuk a beat; catchy, and a little more sophisticated than hyunsuk knows how to make yet, but still very clearly in need of a couple more drafts. he listens carefully, and when it ends and jiwon looks to him with expectant eyes, hyunsuk tries to give genuine, valuable critique- but all he can think of is to say that it’s ‘really good.’ jiwon gives him a fond look and runs him through a couple of hooks he’d written that he thinks could go along with it. hyunsuk thinks they’re both as good as each other, and blushes when he tells him as such and jiwon teases that that doesn’t really solve his dilemma. and then jiwon suggests that hyunsuk writes a verse for the final third, and hyunsuk feels his mouth dry up. 

“really?” he asks.

“you came here to collab, right?” jiwon says. “c’mon, it’s just for fun. don’t worry about it.”

it’s easy to work with jiwon, hyunsuk finds out. they eventually ease into a comfortable silence, jiwon fiddling around with the beat while hyunsuk writes, scraps and rewrites verse after verse. even if it’s just for fun, he doesn’t want to deliver anything less than perfect. jiwon sets a high bar, after all, and if hyunsuk is to come in in the final third of the song, that means two verses and two choruses of jiwon. it’s a tough act to follow, to put it lightly, and the pressure makes the palms of hyunsuk’s hands clam up. 

hyunsuk thinks a couple of hours must pass. there’s periods of interactions; jiwon will ask an opinion on a sample loop, hyunsuk will ask jiwon to play the beat from his section again, but they work well. the atmosphere feels constructive and focused and it’s what hyunsuk wants from this, to do the work and make music and not sit around a dorm waiting for news, not hang around a dance studio with nothing to dance to. it feels like a step forward, and self-made progress is still progress. it’s not going to make his future any more certain, but it’s certainly going to make him feel better about waiting for his fate. it’s a work up to a win, or it’s going out with a fight. whatever. at least it’s not laying down and dying. 

the sun starts to set. hyunsuk actually manages to get in the booth and do a couple takes of his verse, but he accidentally yawns halfway through a word, and jiwon’s voice rings out in the recording booth speakers. 

“you’ve worked hard today. let’s rest.”

hyunsuk joins him back at the soundboard, flopping back into a chair and sighing. jiwon is seemingly feeling warm, fanning himself with one hand, and then, like a scene from hyunsuk’s most embarrassing nightmare, jiwon tugs at the zipper of his hoodie, opening it up to the middle of his chest. hyunsuk can feel himself blush, every alarm bell ringing in his brain as he screams at himself not to stare- and he hates himself for not listening. jiwon is preoccupied with the soundboard, anyway. he’s not going to notice if hyunsuk simply looks. the harsh stripe of collarbone, what he can see of toned pectorals. this isn’t fair. jiwon is one of his heroes. he has found jiwon handsome for years, in a poster on your wall type of way, but that weird feeling, the physical feeling, from earlier is back. he can vaguely hear a male voice, but he doesn’t look away until he does, eyes flickering upwards only to meet jiwon’s gaze. he’s looking at him with an amused expression, spreading his hand over his chest.

“my eyes are up here, kid.” he says, and there’s humour in his voice, but that does nothing to soothe the near-painful blush that hyunsuk can feel heating up his face. hyunsuk makes a noise that almost sounds like a ‘huh,’ which prompts jiwon to laugh. hyunsuk has never wished so hard for the floor to open up and swallow him whole. “i asked if it was hot in here or if it was just me. i think you’ve kinda told me the answer, though.” 

hyunsuk bows his head, eyes cast downwards, and he beats himself up mentally. he’d known this would happen. today was too good to be true, he’d made genuine progress and had actually felt like he’d gotten somewhere. of course he’d find a way to fuck it up. “sorry.” he mutters, for lack of anything else to say.

hyunsuk is scared to look at jiwon’s expression, but when he hears his voice, it’s gentler than expected. “hey, it’s fine.” he says. hyunsuk looks up, and jiwon smiles in good nature, his eyebrow still quirked up in a mixture of amusement and surprise. “you like what you see?” he asks in a cheesy voice, and hyunsuk averts his eyes once more. he feels the flesh of his face physically burn. this is hell. 

“obviously.” hyunsuk says in a small voice, feeling somewhat indignant. 

“you don’t need to be embarrassed about it.” jiwon says, gently. hyunsuk looks at him for what feels like the thousandth time, and there’s a soft expression on his face; friendly and comforting.

“it  _ is _ embarrassing, though.” hyunsuk mutters. he just wants this line of conversation to be over. he’s not sure if jiwon is getting some kind of ego-kick out of it, or if he’s simply mocking him, but he feels anxious about it at any rate. 

“well, what if i told you that i like what i see too?” 

hyunsuk feels his heart stop in his chest. “don’t.” he says. he doesn’t want that, doesn’t want to be teased to no actual end. jiwon has a reputation as a flirt, but hyunsuk is strong even when he is anxious, and he’s not going to be one of many people to fall for that game.

“don’t what?” jiwon asks, wheeling his chair slightly closer. 

hyunsuk steels his nerves, lips pursing tightly for a second or two before he speaks up. “don’t like… say it if you don’t mean it. there’s so much going on right now. i don’t need any added confusion.”

jiwon leans in closer. he reaches out, taking hyunsuk’s chin between his thumb and index finger, tilting his head up to meet his eyes. “i mean it.” he says, leaning in and pressing a soft kiss to hyunsuk’s lips. it feels like it barely clocks in at a second- chaste and innocent. hyunsuk’s heart still hammers within his chest uncontrollably, though. it’s not as if he’s been harbouring some secret crush or anything, nor has he suddenly fallen for jiwon. this is just a totally new type of affection for him. things like this don’t happen to hyunsuk, nobody ever seemed to show interest in him- and it’s happening now, and it’s exciting and scary and he’s not sure he wants to let himself believe it’s true. 

“was it okay that i did that?” jiwon asks, and hyunsuk nods, because what is he supposed to say aloud? jiwon’s hands shift, cupping hyunsuk’s cheeks, and he moves in closer once more, this time kissing him with a little more purpose. hyunsuk hasn’t had kisses like this before. he’d given pecks on the cheeks to neighbourhood girls who’d declared themselves his girlfriend when he was a kid, that was the extent. never had someone kissed him with purpose.

he realises after a second or two that he is supposed to kiss back, react, and so he follows jiwon’s lead, mirroring the movements of his lips, trying to seem like he knows what he’s doing. 

it’s jiwon who breaks the kiss, eyes darting tellingly to the glass door, as if he has only just remembered it’s there. they’re sat directly in front of it- anybody in the hallway would be able to look in and see what they’re doing. it hadn’t even crossed hyunsuk’s mind- he’d considered himself to be smart his whole life, but apparently one kiss from a boy is all it takes to dismantle that intelligence. 

“we should go to the couch.” jiwon suggests, and hyunsuk just nods dumbly, because apparently he’s putty in jiwon’s hands. they do so, out of sight from the glass door, and jiwon kisses him again but this time there’s a heat in it, a clear intention, and hyunsuk decides that he wants that too- so the way he kisses back is heavy, hands spreading out across jiwon’s chest. jiwon’s hands find hyunsuk’s body, trailing up his waist, and everything starts to blur together and heat up. they make decisions bodily, and hyunsuk imagines he will not regret giving away a part of himself to jiwon, figures there’s no real need to be precious about it.

of all the ways tonight could end, all the possible outcomes hyunsuk fretted over, he never would have imagined himself to be on his knees between jiwon’s legs, wiping his lips with the back of his hand as jiwon pulls his sweatpants back up and smiles sheepishly. 

“work on the song some more tomorrow?” he offers. hyunsuk is not going to say no. 

he tucks himself into bed quite happily when he gets back to the dormitory, ignoring haruto when he asks where he’d been so late. just as he’s drifting off to sleep, hyunsuk realises that, once more, he hadn’t gotten jiwon’s phone number. he can’t help but laugh.

the next day, hyunsuk’s back in the same corridor, although it’s a whole different set of anxieties wrecking his psyche this time. for the most part, there’s the worry that jiwon is going to act brand new- that there’s going to be no acknowledgement of what happened. hyunsuk had never done that before, and though he doesn’t want it to become a big deal, it would be hurtful if it were to be dismissed as meaningless. jiwon probably gets head all the time, though, and that’s what’s scary. hyunsuk doesn’t want to find himself meaningless to someone he’d trusted with a part of himself. 

time ticks by and nobody passes, and the nerves build up and up until he decides to be proactive instead of waiting around like an idiot. it’s a big building, after all, and he’s sure to stumble upon  _ someone _ if he goes looking.

it’s a few floors down when he hears the thump of speakers; and when he follows the noise, he slowly begins to recognise a very familiar song. relief washes over him almost instantly- blackpink were rehearsing. rosé let him in once already, so he’s sure she would be kind enough to do it again. he’s not sure where the confidence to knock on the door comes from- perhaps an overeagerness to see jiwon again, but that’s not something he’s interested in admitting to. 

and then his confidence is shaken as the music stops and one of the backup dancers opens the door, shooting him an inquisitive look. maybe somewhat defensively, hyunsuk recognises that look to mean that he doesn’t know who he is. he doesn’t let the frustration of that realisation show on his face. 

“this room is booked for the rest of the day.” he says, eyeing hyunsuk up and down in a way that makes him bristle. 

“i just came to talk to rosé sunbaenim.” if there’s any attitude that slips out into hyunsuk’s voice, he won’t be held accountable for it. 

“she’s busy-”

“hey hyunsuk!” comes a sunny, accented voice from behind the surly dancer, and hyunsuk feels sort of smug as rosé pushes in front of him. he takes it as a signal to return to the rest of the dancers, and rosé rolls her eyes playfully when she’s sure only hyunsuk can see. “what’s up?”

“i’m really sorry to bother you.” hyunsuk says with a bow of his head, scratching the back of his neck. “but i was wondering if you’d let me into the studio areas upstairs again?” 

“oh-” rosé tucks her hair behind her ear, head quirking to the side slightly. “you’re meeting jiwon oppa again?”

“yeah..” if hyunsuk wasn’t able to feel that a blush creeping up onto his cheeks and betraying him, he’d be able to guess as such by the way rosé narrows her eyes inquisitively, stepping out into the hallway and closing the door behind her. 

“what are you meeting him for?” rosé asks, leaning back against the door and looking a little too suspicious for hyunsuk’s comfort. he suddenly feels himself growing defensive. what was it to rosé what he and jiwon did? for a split second, he is tempted to tell her to mind her own business. but then he remembers that he is here to ask for her help, and that certainly wouldn’t be the right way to earn it.

“we didn’t finish our song.” hyunsuk simply says, but he knows that his flustered appearance is giving up the gig. rosé sighs a little.

“i’m not asking what happened, and i’m  _ really  _ not asking for details, but, like… did  _ something  _ happen, hyunsuk?” 

“no.” hyunsuk lies. rosé quirks an eyebrow, and he sighs- he’s going to have to lie harder. “look, honestly, nothing happened between us. i just… i dunno. i guess i have a little crush on him, okay?”

rosé’s expression softens, and she smiles a little, pulling her cardigan closer around her waist. “i’m sorry.” she says softly. “i didn’t mean to grill you. it’s just that, jiwon is hurting a lot right now, and sometimes when people are hurting, they don’t make the best decisions.”

the words smart, because hyunsuk doesn’t think what they did was a bad decision; it was just for fun, right? maybe he was helping jiwon move on. maybe it was exactly what jiwon needed. “i can look after myself, noona.” he says, after a beat.

“it’s not you i’m worried about.” rosé says honestly, lips drawing into a thin line. hyunsuk doesn’t quite know what to say to that, and fortunately he doesn’t say anything, because the studio door is pulled open, causing rosé to stumble a little, laughing as she turns around to face lisa. startled, hyunsuk bows in greeting, which lisa responds to with a bow of her own and a soft giggle, before threading her arm through rosé’s. 

“lunch time!” she announces, nudging rosé’s shoulder. “i’m starving. you wanna come eat with us, hyunsuk?” 

it’s an offer that, under most circumstances, hyunsuk would never refuse. but he didn’t want to stand jiwon up. “ah, thank you, but somebody is waiting for me in the recording studio.” he says apologetically, which lisa accepts and begins to drag rosé down the hallway. rosé looks behind her, a frown on her face. 

she mouths the word sorry, and hyunsuk sighs. 

he rests against the wall, ignoring the quizzical looks each dancer gives him as they file out of the room. he feels defeated. he’s considering just standing at the locked door and screaming jiwon’s name until the older hears him, but he figures that’s probably not going to be great on his voice, especially if they were planning on recording today. 

and then, last to leave the room is jennie and jisoo. he bows to them with a smile, both bow back awkwardly as they shuffle down the hallway, and when the dance studio door falls shut and there is no click of any locks, hyunsuk has the most genius bad idea of his entire life. 

he hangs around for a few minutes, before letting himself into the studio. a chanel handbag rests on one of the benches lining the room, and a charm on the zipper with a rhinestone ‘j’ (on second thought, he thinks, considering it’s owner, those may really be diamonds) tells him that it’s exactly what he’d been looking for. 

there’s a small part of him that is self aware, and it’s screaming at him to  _ stop robbing jennie fucking kim _ . 

perhaps he is in too deep. perhaps there’s a version of this scenario where he just finds jennie’s keycard laying around and swipes it, and he can call it divine intervention and god ensuring that he and jiwon finish their song. in that scenario, there is deniability that this isn’t about the song anymore, that he had given a large part of himself to jiwon last night and now has found a heavy investment, that he wasn’t lying to rosé in full earlier. he thinks that if he’s actively rooting through the belongings of a member of the biggest girl group in the world with the express intent of stealing from her, for the sake of a boy, he’s a little beyond denying a crush. 

but, he justifies to the sensible side of his brain, rosé said that the favoured kids of yg found it easy to get replacements for these things. he slips the keycard out of her wallet and figures that if anybody can get another, it’s jennie.

he does his best to cover his tracks, dropping her wallet back into her bag and zipping it closed, placing it in it’s exact former position and hot tailing it out of the room, keycard slid in his back pocket, petrified of being caught. as he closes the dance studio door behind him, he briefly considers breaking into a sprint to the recording studio, but he figures that would only make him look a hundred times more suspicious.

that, and he doesn’t want to look too eager. he’s not going to be too hasty- if he really is developing feelings for jiwon, he figures the best thing he can do right now is to slow things back down. rosé was right. jiwon is going through a lot right now. he took hanbin’s departure harder than anybody- and hyunsuk doesn’t know the details, but anybody with a pair of eyes knows that there was  _ something _ there, a powerful thing, and now it was gone. hyunsuk would have to give jiwon time to heal, to see him as his own powerful thing. he has to slow things back down. as he scans jennie’s keycard and enters the recording studios, he resolves that today will be all about hard work. they’ll finish the recording and send the song off for mixing, and if hyunsuk sees jiwon again after that, maybe they can figure out what, if anything, will come of last night. but today, it’s just work. 

it’s a nice thought. 

hyunsuk arrives at jiwon’s studio, and within mere minutes, he’s pushed up against the padded recording booth wall with jiwon’s tongue down his throat. 

jiwon kisses him with a fever he didn’t have last night, and hyunsuk melts into the kiss like butter, arms wrapped tightly around his neck, pressing their bodies together in desperation, as if he wants them to become one. he’s drunk on the need radiating from jiwon- strong hands grabbing his waist and running upwards, a knee between his thighs, jiwon’s leg dangerously high. there’s such a heavy power in the way that jiwon kisses him, and nobody has ever wanted hyunsuk  _ like this _ , and so he’s putty in jiwon’s hands. 

“fuck.” hyunsuk whispers as jiwon breaks the kiss, shifting to kiss roughly along his jawline, a hand slipping underneath hyunsuk’s shirt and spreading out across his abdomen, pushing him tighter against the wall. jiwon’s nails are trimmed past the skin, but he still manages to scratch a little as his fingers pull downwards, and hyunsuk’s hips buck forward without warning. every inch of him is on fire, and any resolution to not get too involved, to not throw himself into the deep end and let himself be something jiwon can just take from is long forgotten. 

and there’s affection in the way jiwon touches him. hyunsuk falls for it in every sense of the phrase.

“i want you.” jiwon growls against hyunsuk’s neck, teeth pinching the skin. he sucks what is undoubtedly going to turn into a bruise onto him, and hyunsuk is too kissdrunk to consider the repercussions of that- all he thinks about is the way it makes his entire body spark. 

“you can have me.” hyunsuk responds breathlessly, fingers tangling in jiwon’s shirt, as if he needs to anchor himself somehow or he will fall to pieces. 

“i mean,” jiwon pushes, his hand slipping to curl around hyunsuk’s waist, gripping him in a rough sort of way that makes hyunsuk wince. jiwon kisses his way back up hyunsuk’s neck, until his lips drag against the smooth plain of his earlobe, in a way that hyunsuk shivers under, pulling jiwon impossibly closer. “i want to fuck you.”

“i know what you mean.” hyunsuk responds, and if it sounds a little cool it’s a thousand percent facade, because his heart is thundering so hard in his chest that it feels like it’s going to bust it’s way out of his body, and his hands are very slightly damp in the palms and he prays that jiwon doesn’t notice that. somehow, a part of his brain has clearly managed to maintain lucidity, and it screams at him that this is stupid, that he’s pretty much asking to have his heart broken. but hyunsuk had always told himself, while comforting himself about his 20-year-old-virginity, that the only rule for this stuff was that he had to be sure that he wanted it. and he did.

he’s clearly developing feelings for jiwon. lying to himself is futile at this point. but that doesn’t mean he wants to date him. in fact, he can’t think of anything he wants less right now than a relationship, not with such an unclear future, that could be ripped away at any second, and not with someone who’s career would probably benefit from the empire falling where hyunsuk’s would be dead in the water. jiwon has everything hyunsuk has ever wanted. if hyunsuk doesn’t end up getting it after all these years of training, no relationship would be able to withstand the resentment that would birth. crush or no crush, he doesn’t want to date jiwon.

“so will you let me?” jiwon asks.

hyunsuk thinks of what rosé said. jiwon is hurting and he wants a distraction. hyunsuk wants to lose his virginity. if they’re both using one another, then neither of them have the right to get hurt. 

“yes.” hyunsuk answers. “i want you to.” 

“wait here.” jiwon says, giving hyunsuk a little peck on the lips, and hyunsuk is confused as jiwon ducks out of the recording booth, moving back into the greater studio. hyunsuk pushes himself off of the soundproofing foam comforting his back, making his way to the window, and he watches jiwon pulling a small bottle out of his backpack.

hyunsuk has a strange feeling, in which he’s not sure how to feel about the fact jiwon expected a yes enough to plan in advance. he hums a little as he supposes he  _ did _ suck his dick on their second real encounter. 

jiwon comes back into the recording studio with a foxlike grin. hyunsuk turns, head resting against the glass, and jiwon’s hand plants itself centimetres away from him. hyunsuk can feel his nerves building, and he decides to be honest. “i’m nervous.” he says. jiwon leans in and kisses him softly.

“that’s okay.” he says sweetly, a hand sliding down hyunsuk’s side comfortingly. jiwon moves closer, but doesn’t fully close the gap between their bodies. “if you want to stop, tell me straight away. i won’t be disappointed.” 

hyunsuk nods, but he finds himself wrapping his hand around the back of jiwon’s neck, pulling him closer and kissing him once more. 

it doesn’t take long for the passion to ignite again. after a few moments of kissing, jiwon’s hands are back under hyunsuk’s shirt, running along his sides, wrapping around his slim waist. hyunsuk’s neck presses back against the window. he gasps at the cool glass on his hot skin, and he reaches around to wrap his arms around jiwon’s back, pulling him closer. jiwon leans in from the hips, pushing hyunsuk tighter against the wall, and he can feel jiwon’s arousal through his jeans.

the kiss doesn’t last much longer, jiwon breaks away once more, kissing his way down hyunsuk’s neck and down to his collarbone, tugging the neckline of his t-shirt down and sucking another mark above the curve of his bone. hyunsuk gasps again, his hand wrapping in jiwon’s curly hair. jiwon smirks against hyunsuk’s skin, and momentarily, hyunsuk is filled with doubt; a realisation that he doesn’t really know jiwon at all- but then jiwon’s hand travels up his side and his thumb brushes over hyunsuk’s nipple, and it’s all arched backs and breathy moans again, no room for second thoughts. 

jiwon pulls back completely, gripping the hem of hyunsuk’s shirt and pulling it upwards. hyunsuk, becoming a little more pliant than he’d care to admit, lifts his arms dumbly, allowing jiwon to strip him. feeling bare, and a little bit like his body could never match up to jiwon’s, hyunsuk stands awkwardly, feeling jiwon’s eyes drink him in. they scan over him hungrily, like a lion watching over it’s prey. hyunsuk finds he enjoys being looked at like that. never before had he felt desirable, and maybe that’s what this all boiled down to. jiwon’s lips are back on him in a second, kissing down his chest, and then down his abdomen, until his lips are dancing above the waistline of his jeans- and hyunsuk’s skin is on fire and jiwon is wasting no time, unbuttoning his fly and pulling hyunsuk’s black skinny jeans down around his thighs. a shot of nerves rattles hyunsuk’s body, this is new, and he’s reminded that this is really a step-by-step tour of all of his firsts, he is giving away so much of himself, and he wants it, but he’s scared. 

“you’re beautiful.” jiwon tells him, and hyunsuk doesn’t want to agree but he also doesn’t want to kill the moment, and so he says nothing, looking down at jiwon, who looks back up at him with gentle eyes and tucks his fingers underneath the waistband of hyunsuk’s boxer shorts. “can i?”

hyunsuk nods yes. 

hyunsuk is hit with the weird sensation of unfamiliar air hitting his body in a way it usually doesn’t, but any thoughts about that are soon struck from his mind as jiwon wraps his hand around hyunsuk’s cock. the touch alone is enough to have hyunsuk sucking in a breath, but then jiwon begins to stroke him slowly, and hyunsuk’s hands are scrambling, desperate to find any sort of grip on the glass window behind him, but there’s nothing- one of his hands squeaks against the glass and he feels his face go red, embarrassed by his sweaty palms, but jiwon doesn’t react. he’s too busy staring at hyunsuk with eyes deep with hunger, and he gives a few more strokes and earns a few more whimpers, before he takes hyunsuk in his mouth. 

hyunsuk gasps loudly, “hyung-” tumbling from his lips, his hands dangling tightly in jiwon’s curly hair. jiwon somehow seems to smirk around him, although maybe it’s the mischief dancing in his eyes that do that for him, as he looks up at hyunsuk, a hand gently stroking his hip in a comforting sort of way, as if he’s telling him to relax. hyunsuk tries, but jiwon’s lips tighten around him, and the older man begins to suck him further in. hyunsuk feels his head nudge the back of jiwon’s throat, and he groans in a way he’s not sure he’s ever been confident enough to groan in before. jiwon hums in response, the vibrations of the noise are electric on hyunsuk’s cock, and the noise he makes is closer the whine, tightening his grip harder on jiwon’s hair, worried his knees are going to buckle any minute now. 

jiwon begins to bob his head back and forth, fucking hyunsuk’s cock into his throat, and hyunsuk’s head falls back, thudding against the glass in a way that’s almost a little painful. “jesus.” he prays, and jiwon pulls off with a slick little pop, taking a breath as his hand wraps back around hyunsuk, stroking him quickly as he smiles up at him. the saliva coating him provides a lewd sound to the motion, and hyunsuk feels filthy, and he loves it.

“turn around.” jiwon whispers, and hyunsuk follows the order without even properly processing what’s being asked. he blushes a little at his own obedience. he had never thought himself to be quite so easy. he’s sure he’ll analyse that later and overthink the hell out of it, but he doesn’t have enough brainpower to do so now, not as jiwon’s hands spread across his cheeks and part his ass. hyunsuk makes a strange little noise just from the realisation that jiwon is doing what he’s doing, and he feels jiwon’s thumb dip between his cheeks, the pad of the finger running softly in a lap around his hole. hyunsuk tenses slightly, trying not to let himself get too overwhelmed, but jiwon is touching him in perhaps the most intimate part of his entire body. 

“you okay?” asks jiwon.

“yes.” hyunsuk answers too quickly. “god, yes.”

he hears jiwon laugh in an affectionate sort of way, and hyunsuk blushes although it carries a little comfort. he’s probably far past the point of being embarrassed at this point, anyway. 

and then he feels jiwon tug his cheeks just a little further apart, and spits on his hole. hyunsuk has never felt filth like this, never imagined he would enjoy it quite so much, but his toes curl in his shoes as jiwon’s calloused fingers smear saliva across his entrance. hyunsuk’s hips buck back into jiwon’s touch, giving a silent queue that jiwon doesn’t waste time in following, a finger slipping gently inside of him. he stops at the first knuckle, and before hyunsuk registers what he’s doing, he bushes his hips backwards, taking more of the finger inside of him, a whimper erupting from his throat in the process. jiwon curses under his breath, but it barely reaches hyunsuk’s ears, far too clouded with need, an intense need for more. there’s an unfamiliar discomfort with the sensation- hyunsuk had done this to himself plenty of times, but these fingers weren’t his. he was in control of his own hand. he had never felt at the mercy of his own hand.

“don’t rush.” he hears jiwon say softly, curling his index finger in a way that makes hyunsuk’s entire body tense and then immediately react. he pants. 

“jesus christ.” he pants, fingers streaking against the steamed window- suddenly he’s thankful he can’t see his own reflection in the glass. “i liked that.” hyunsuk affirms dumbly, earning a fond chuckle from jiwon.

“yeah?” he asks, and then he does it again, and hyunsuk yelps this time, head falling forward to lean on the window. jiwon keeps at it, slowly curling and uncurling his finger, hyunsuk slowly losing his mind, enough to stop caring about the embarrassing noises that leak from his mouth like filthy prayers. jiwon withdraws slowly, and hyunsuk pouts at being empty - until he hears the snap of a bottlecap, and two of jiwon’s fingers dip between his cheeks, rubbing cool liquid into hyunsuk’s hole. it helps with the discomfort more than he’s imagine, and two fingers slip into him easier than the first did.

if hyunsuk had thought one was good, two make a wreck if him. what jiwon is doing is so simple, so minimal, and yet hyunsuk is teetering in the edge- his cock is already dripping, his entire body feeling like one raw nerve. jiwon begins to thrust his fingers in and out of him, leaving behind the dirtiest noises hyunsuk has ever heard. “oh god.” he prays, and jiwon speaks his own low huk of approval.

“you’re so tight,” praises jiwon, a porn catchphrase in the cadence of a love confession. “fuck, Hanbin.”

at first, neither of them notice. and then they do.

jiwon begins to stutter, and hyunsuk feels ice water injected into his veins. all of the pleasure is suddenly blunted, and for a few seconds he feels nothing, and then is overcome with shame. 

“hyunsuk-” jiwon begins, and hyunsuk cuts him off.

“get your hands off me.” he snaps, and after jiwon does not react, frozen behind him, beneath him, hyunsuk registers their position and feels even more shame and embarrassment. he speaks again with more aggression. “get your hands  _ off _ me.” 

jiwon withdraws slow and carefully, and as soon as he does hyunsuk is forcing his jeans back up. he does not look behind him, not when tears sting in his eyes, not when the lump forms in his throat. he does not want to look at jiwon. he feels ashamed. he’s ashamed because he was wrong- he did stand to be hurt by being used. 

“hyunsuk,” jiwon places his unlubricated hand on hyunsuk’s shoulder, and hyunsuk flinches away from him as if he’s been burnt. 

“fuck off.”

jiwon tried to speak again. this time hyunsuk yells.

“fuck off!”

jiwon fucks off. hyunsuk watches his back, blurred by the steam of their passion lingering on the window. the studio door closes, and hyunsuk falls to his knees, allowing himself to cry. he knows he has no right to be in such despair, the red flags he’d ignored would laugh at him, rosé tried to warn him. in two days, he had given so much of himself to the first man to ever show interest in him.

he’s stupid, he’s humiliated, he hates himself, et cetera. 

for a while, hyunsuk sits on the floor and cries, and then he stands without wiping his tears, and calls a manager to come and get him. 

he goes straight to bed, ignoring haruto when he asks him what’s wrong, and he doesn’t get up for dance practice in the morning. 

hyunsuk sleeps well into the day, perhaps into the next, losing complete track of time. he barely even moves until he feels the dull thud of a foot kicking against his mattress. pulling his comforter over his head, hyunsuk groans. “fuck off, haru.” he matters, already scheduling an apology in for later. 

“hyunsuk.” comes a voice, not belonging to haruto. female, accented in australian. dread settles in the pit of hyunsuk’s stomach, and he pulls his sheet down from his face and turns around only to find roseanne park in his bedroom, staring down at him with a stern expression. crossness doesn’t suit her, doesn’t sit right on her gentle features. hyunsuk sits up up in bed, and her eyes dart to his neck. he sighs, remembering the bruise that jiwon had left behind. hyunsuk had been too caught up in the moment to consider the fact it’d take days to heal. 

“hi, noona.” he says flatly. rosé quirks an eyebrow at him. 

“i’m gonna need jennie’s keycard.” she says, stretching out her hand as if he is to have it in bed with him. for a second, he debates lying. then, he realises that there’s nothing stopping jennie from reporting him to the label for theft, and so he’d best get back on rosé’s good side quick, or he’d kiss debut goodbye once and for all. he sighs as he steps out of bed, finding yesterday’s jeans in a pile on the floor nearby, taking the card from his pocket and dropping it in rosé’s manicured hand. 

“i can not believe you would-” she begins, but hyunsuk interrupts her, not emotionally ready to receive a telling off right now even if he was in dire need of one.

“please don’t.” is all he says, in a defeated tone of voice, falling back onto his bed. there seems to be a weight on his chest, dragging every movement. “i’ve been punished, okay? i learned my lesson.”

rosé hesitates, staring down at him for a long time, her steely expression softening almost immediately. she perches on the edge of his bed, frowning. “what does that mean?” she asks.

“he called me the wrong name.” hyunsuk says. a beat passes, rosé says nothing and hyunsuk looks away, covering his face with his hands. “he called me  _ his  _ name.”

“hyunsuk…” rosé says softly, placing a hand on his arm. “did you guys…”

“no.” hyunsuk answers, continuing to hide his face. “almost. but we didn’t get that far. it’s the most humiliated i think i’ve ever felt in my life.” 

rosé’s hand runs up his arm soothingly, squeezing his shoulder. “don’t be humiliated.” she says. “it’s not your fault. he messed up, not you. people can do some really  _ awful  _ things when they’re hurting.”

hyunsuk doesn’t say anything. he doesn’t know what else to say. he doesn’t really know rosé- she, like jiwon, was a stranger (and an idol) to him a mere few days ago, and now he’s confiding in her about his boy drama. it doesn’t feel natural, and though he can tell she wants to help, there’s a stilted awkwardness in the air, as if she very clearly does not know how to make him feel better. 

“i need to get going.” rosé says after a while, when the silence swells painfully. “are you going to be okay?” 

when hyunsuk affirms, rosé navigates the mess of haruto and hyunsuk’s room with the grace of no comment, and as she reaches the door, she turns back to face him. “don’t leave it on a sour note, okay? i know he’s probably the last person you want to talk to right now, but if you two never talk again after this, you’re just going to get more and more bitter about the situation.”

hyunsuk thinks about it, and then he says; “yeah. yeah, you’re right.” because truthfully, he knows she is. laying around in bed hadn’t helped any. 

they may not have gone all the way, but hyunsuk had trusted jiwon to take from him something which had never been taken. there needs to be closure on this. otherwise how is he ever supposed to be able to trust anybody else that way again? 

and despite an early morning panic attack, the next day hyunsuk finds himself back at the yg building. as the elevator pulls him up the many floors of the silver tower, he steels his nerves. if anything, he could at least give jiwon a piece of his mind. at least tell him how much he hurt him. hyunsuk deserves that. if he can’t get any closure, if nothing jiwon says can make him feel any better at all, hyunsuk at least deserves  _ that.  _

he powers through the winding hallways, hyping himself up. a hundred things he wants to scream race through his mind. he’s going to fucking do this. 

he comes face to face, once more, with a locked door. he’s halfway to reaching for his phone when he realises. 

he still hadn’t gotten jiwon’s phone number. 

for a split second, frustration ripples through him so hard it almost hurts. and then he feels exasperated. and then his head falls back and he laughs. very quickly, he descends into hysterics, laughing loudly, so hard his entire form shakes, tears quickly falls from his eyes; and he doesn’t know if they’re from laughing or if he’s seriously just crying, but he doesn’t care. he doesn’t care anymore. all he can do is laugh. laugh like his life is one big fucking cosmic joke. 

“hyunsuk?” comes a gentle voice from behind him. hyunsuk turns to see hayi, concern hiding behind her large doll eyes, her short black hair knotted atop her head. she’s entered through the doorway to the balcony. 

“noona.” hyunsuk greets, wiping his tears from his eyes. mirth frames his words, and though hayi looks expectant, as if she’s waiting for him to fill her in on the joke, hyunsuk barely has the words. “would you let me through?” he asks, instead.

hayi looks like she doesn’t register at first, and then she ‘oh’s in comprehension, swiping her card from her back pocket and hurrying over to swipe it. “are you okay?” she asks, holding the door open. 

“i’m fine.” hyunsuk says, wiping his eyes with the balls of his fist. “yeah, i’m fine. i just need to talk to jiwon hyung.”

“right.” hayi says, wearing the same wary look on her face as rosé a few days ago. “about that. you should be ca-”

“i know.” hyunsuk interrupts. he can’t hear this right now. although he knows it’s not hayi’s intention, nothing feels more patronising than a warning issued after he’d already been burned. why should he be careful? jiwon is fully grown. he should know better than to mess around with people, no matter what he’s going through. “he’s  _ hurting. _ got it.” 

hayi looks at him quizzically, clearly taken off guard by hyunsuk’s sudden shift in attitude. he mutters a ‘sorry’ to her, and she shrugs her shoulders, passing the door to him. “we all are. hanbin’s my friend too. nobody seems to remember that part.”

there’s a quiet pause, and hyunsuk can’t help but feel like hayi has something of her own to vent. but as he opens his mouth- to say what, he has no idea, but to say something, she cuts in. “good luck.” she says, in a final sort of sense that makes it clear that their conversation is over. she turns on her heels, disappearing back down the hallway. hyunsuk sighs. he can’t worry about it right now, he’s got a difficult conversation to have.

when he reaches the end of the corridor, he looks into the glass door and expects to see the same sight he saw the last two times; jiwon’s broad shoulders hunched over the soundboard, working away at a song. to his surprise, the room is empty. he steps in and sighs. he had spent all this time building up to this, it only figures that his rotten luck would insure jiwon was nowhere to be found. he clicks his tongue, sitting down on jiwon’s chair, swirling around until he gets dizzy.

he waits for twenty minutes, but jiwon doesn’t come, and all of the tension in hyunsuk’s shoulders that had gotten him brave enough to even consider this had totally subsided. he spots a pen and a pad of paper on the desk, and he grabs it, writing out his number and a simple note.

_i_ _need to talk to you - hyunsuk._

he heads back to the dorm feeling a little stupid, but when he sees haruto sat on his bed in their room, nose stuck in his switch, he takes a deep breath and decides to be a leader again, because the past few days, he had been so wrapped up in his own drama and bullshit that he hadn’t paid any mind to his members, his  _ friends _ . haruto seems surprises when hyunsuk launches himself onto the bed beside him, demanding a summary of his game so far and an eagerness to learn the nicknames of all the pokémon he’d caught so far; and that makes hyunsuk feel guilty, more than anything else. haruto shouldn’t be surprised that he wants to  _ talk  _ to him. 

jiwon doesn’t call even as evening rolls around, and hyunsuk helps junkyu and jihoon cool dinner, sits with everyone for the first time in a while and eats, and enjoys their company. he reminds himself what actually matters. in spite of everything, he has a good day.

he’s washed up and ready for bed when his phone rings. it’s 2am, his hair is damp, he’s in his pyjamas, he’s finally managed to get comfortable, and he tells himself he’s going to ignore it, go to bed, and just cut this all off here. no more jiwon in his life, ever. he tells himself that. and then he picks up. 

“hyung.” is all he says, getting out of bed and leaving his bedroom, pretending not to see haruto’s quizzical gaze. 

“hyunsuk-“ jiwon starts as hyunsuk locks himself in the bathroom, sitting on the edge of the bathtub. “fuck, i’m so sorry, i really am-“

“i don’t want to do this over the phone.” hyunsuk interrupts. his voice is steadier and firmer than he expected- he impresses himself. he sounded strong. 

“then can we meet?” jiwon asks. hyunsuk has it in himself to scoff. 

“it’s 2am.”

“we can take a drive. i’m about to drive home anyway. i’ll pick you up.” 

hyunsuk thinks he probably would have been within his right to tell jiwon to go fuck himself, but half an hour later he’s in his passenger seat, jacket over his pyjamas and hair still not completely dry yet.

it’s tense. jiwon looks like shit, bags back under his eyes and stubble poking back through his face. hyunsuk often found stubble attractive, but paired with jiwon’s tired demeanour, it just looked sad. jiwon didn’t wear guilt well. he supposes the state he was in on the night of jinwoo’s birthday party could probably be attributed to a more intense survivors guilt. hyunsuk directs his eyes out the window, awkwardly silent and jiwon drives them nowhere, seoul traffic trapping them in unforgiving static even in the dead of night.

“look.” jiwon says finally, fingers drumming anxiously against the steering wheel. it should be suffixed with an explanation, but seconds rush by and nothing comes, jiwon’s eyes training back on the road as the traffic starts moving again, his lips pressed tight in a fine line. he veers from the city street, pulling into a supermarket parking lot, and the engine is killed, leaving no noise left beyond jiwon’s brain ticking, clearly trying to dig deep into his media training for some panacea damage control apology. 

“you hurt me.” hyunsuk says. “like. really fucking hurt me. you took a whole bunch of my firsts and the whole time, you were pretending i was him.”

“i wasn’t…” jiwon sighs, a hand pushing his shaggy hair from his face. “i wasn’t. i never pretended you were him. it just slipped out. for a long time, he was the only one i  _ did  _ that shit with, hyunsuk. it just took me back somewhere.”

hyunsuk stares at him for a second. he sighs. “jiwon…”

“i know what i did must have made you feel like shit.” jiwon says. “i know. but you have to understand, hyunsuk, i really like you. i just can’t get over him straight away. that’ll take some time.”

“i’ll never be him.” hyunsuk says, self consciousness rattling through his entire body. something about the fact he’ll never be him makes him hate himself. he wishes he could. he wishes this could be easy, he wishes feelings had never gotten involved, he wishes he could detach himself from romance and feelings and be a stand in for the man jiwon wishes he was really fucking, fulfil his fantasies and just enjoy the primal pleasure of it all. but he can’t. he can’t ask that of himself. and he knows it’s not what jiwon would want either. 

“i’m not asking you to be.” jiwon says. he reaches out and cups hyunsuk’s cheek, shuffling a little closer. “hyunsuk, i dont want you to be him. we’ve had fun. and you’re a good person. i like you.”

and it’s the worst thing he could say. “hyung,” hyunsuk says, an irritation sparking inside him. “you don’t know the first thing about me.” 

jiwon pulls his hand back. 

hyunsuk keeps going, finding strength from within himself. “those are really big shoes to fill, and everything in my life is so fucking unstable right now. i don’t even know if i’m going to debut. and i have a group to lead, and all i’ve done for the past few days is wrap myself up in your bullshit. i- this is the worst time for me to be getting involved with somebody, and to be honest, i don’t think i  _ want  _ to be involved with you. not if it means i’m just going to be taking you ‘back somewhere’ and making you think about him. i think i deserve someone who’d rather look forward to the future with me than let me remind them of a past with someone else.” 

jiwon looks away, downtrodden. something seems to dawn on his face. “i’m sorry, hyunsuk. fuck. i’m sorry. i’m being so fucking selfish.” 

hyunsuk feels himself soften a little, settling back against his seat. “i know you’re going through a lot right now. more than anything, i think you need your friends. and i’m willing to be one of those; but you don’t need  _ me.  _ not in that capacity. it was doomed from the start.” 

silence falls over them once more. hyunsuk unbuckles his seatbelt.

“what are you doing?” jiwon asks as hyunsuk opens the car door.

“i think we can leave it there for tonight.” hyunsuk answers, drawing his jacket tighter around him as he steps out into the cold september air. he feels the cold eating through his flimsy pyjamas immediately, and he thanks his past self and the faulty heating in their dorm for collaborating on the decision to wear underwear to bed tonight. “i’ll see you around, hyung.” 

“hyunsuk, don’t be stupid, i’ll drive you home.” jiwon calls out of the car, looking baffled. hyunsuk waves him goodbye and shuts the door, setting off without so much as a glance behind him.

he must walk for close to an hour before he makes it back home, a concerned haruto darting our of the living room to meet him at the door.

“where the fuck did you go?” haruto demands, pressing his knuckles against hyunsuk’s reddened cheeks, making a face at their temperature, cold to the touch. “you’re freezing. are you okay!?”

hyunsuk shrugs, smiling at his younger bandmate.

“i will be.” 

**Author's Note:**

> surprise !! the ship was double b the whole time.
> 
> so i started writing this in august, and it really... mutated into something a lot different than the hot pwp sunbaenim/dongsaeng fic i originally had in mind. it's kind of been a battle with this fic, and there's parts of it that i don't know i'm happy with - but here it is, the longest one shot i've written so far (it’s not even that long but by my standards it’s massive), a weird story with a weird ship that left me feeling super weird when i finally finished writing it. a couple of times, i nearly scrapped it, but i then bullied myself into believing that if i didn't finish it, the entirety of 2020 would be a failure - and i did it!! i had a wonderful time writing hyunsuk's voice, i'm never usually sentimental but i think just because i have spent so much time on this, i feel kind of sad to be done. i think i'll definitely write more stories about him.
> 
> anyway, i'm rambling because finishing a piece of writing is a very anticlimactic thing and i always wish it had some sort of instant payoff. if you liked reading this, pls consider leaving a kudos and if you'd like, a comment. i need validation to live .


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